The Bittersweet 2 Year Anniversary

Mum on Shimara with Granddaughter Anna

Today is a bittersweet anniversary. On this day in 2015 I published the Lives & Times fundraising book. It was also the very same day that Mum had her first brain seizure, and what proved to be the final turning point in her bowel cancer illness that had begun back in 2012.

The book had proved to be an amazing journey for me over the 18 months it took me to put it together. It was one memorable experience after another meeting so many fascinating people, and the help, support, and enthusiasm of those who took park will stay with me forever. I had taken as much time as required to make sure it was 100% ready, and as good as it could possibly be. I just had to decide the publication date, and eventually decided on November 27th. We knew that Mum required another lung operation at beginning of 2016, and I kept changing the chapter on Mum as things changed. In the end towards the end of October I decided that I couldn't keep changing things and the book would be presented as how Mum's health was there and then, which was absolutely the right way.

I won't deny that the build up to publication was exciting. How well would it sell, and would people like it? I was taking pre-orders, and was happy to let people who paid have their copies a few days early. I gave my brother his copy, and Mum got to see this before I had a chance to give her copy to her. It reduced her to tears - I think the only time in my life that I did this... 

Then came publication day... During the early hours of November 27th my brother called me to say that Mum had been taken to hospital, and from that moment everything changed. The excitement and anticipation about the book vanished in an instant, as all thoughts turned to Mum. She was in hospital for over a week, and the bad news was that she had two cancerous tumours on her brain which were secondary cancers from the bowel cancer. She would go on to have treatment for these in the new year. The swelling on her brain, and the pressure that was causing the seizures was managed by the use of steroids. Sadly over the following months her health slowly deteriorated, and one of the tumours did not respond to the CyberKnife treatment. The final massive seizure at the beginning of June left in hospital, and virtually paralysed down one side. Her condition became terminal and she was moved to a nursing home in Maidenhead where she spent her last few weeks. Sadly Mum passed away on August 29th, 2016. 

Over the last two years the book has been an amazing success. Along with the screen prints, so generously donated and created by artist Adam Green, and the portrait photo sessions I am offering, the fundraising now stands at about £3400. The kindness and support from everyone who has bought the book has been wonderful. The new book, The Record, is taking shape, but I guess it is still a year or so from completion. In the meantime Lives & Times can be purchased from my bowelcancerfundraising.co.uk website and other retailers. 

I find it very difficult to even begin to put into words my feelings about the loss of Mum, and my Dad in 2009 for that matter. How am I coping with bereavement? It is such a personal thing, and I think fairly well now, but I suppose the honest answer is I don't know. I know that that there is no right or wrong way, and that I try to look forwards, and remember the happy times when I do look back. One of my coping mechanisms is to blot things out, although as a result this makes it difficult for me to remember things. Those last few months with Mum were pretty tough, and have definitely left a sadness that can be hard to shift at times. I suppose you just put it away somewhere and learn to keep it there as much as possible. I have a somewhat illogical, and perhaps selfish feeling of regret. I wish my parents could have seen me happy and settled with a family. Those who know me well, also know all too well how difficult I have found it to meet someone. I am great at making friends, hopeless at getting a girlfriend. It was something that I would often talk to Mum about, and she assured me that it would happen one day. So I have carried a loneliness with me for a long time - way before Mum became ill. However I have a great life, and some amazing friends, so I shouldn't complain. I am working hard on these things, and hope that I am on the right road.

Bowel cancer has changed me massively. Losing a parent to it is heartbreaking, but getting to know and meet so many amazing people also affected by it has been one of the best things to ever have happened to me. It is a staggeringly warm, and giving community in the face of tremendous adversity. I only have to think of what others are facing, and I realize that my own demons are pretty minor really.

The fundraising will continue. So apologies in advance but I will keep pestering people and try to sell many more copies of my book, and raise money for Beating Bowel Cancer. I don't exactly know how many copies of the book have been sold so far, but it is in the hundreds. That means there is a potential market out there of literally millions of people. I do pretty everything in terms of the marketing, so if anyone out there wants to help, or give some fresh ideas on how to reach a wider audience with the book I'd be happy to listen.

Finally I must stress how important it is to keep raising awareness about bowel cancer. Too many people are being diagnosed at a later stage when the chances of long term survival are greatly reduced. If detected at an early stage, bowel cancer can be successfully treated in over 90% of cases. 16,000 people lose their lives to this awful illness each year making it the second highest cancer killer in the UK. There is a wealth of useful information on the Beating Bowel Cancer website.